1 00:00:01,807 --> 00:00:04,685 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:00:41,447 --> 00:00:43,722 Good morning, sir. How about a little breakfast? 3 00:00:43,887 --> 00:00:47,960 How about a dozen grilled winkles on a bed of curried Rice Crispies? 4 00:00:48,127 --> 00:00:50,516 I'm not eating spicy stuff any more. 5 00:00:50,687 --> 00:00:55,715 Forgive me, sir, but you not eating spicy food is like a zebra not being stripy 6 00:00:55,887 --> 00:00:59,880 or an old lady not sitting on a park bench with her legs open. 7 00:01:00,047 --> 00:01:03,244 - May I ask why? - It makes your breath smell 8 00:01:03,407 --> 00:01:06,797 like a liftful of senile donkeys returning from a garlic-eating contest. 9 00:01:07,007 --> 00:01:11,364 - That's never bothered you before, sir. - Well, it bothers me now, OK? 10 00:01:11,567 --> 00:01:15,401 It's because of her, isn't it? She who must be drooled over. 11 00:01:15,607 --> 00:01:18,075 - You mean Kris? - Whatever my feelings, sir, 12 00:01:18,247 --> 00:01:22,604 I will not be tempted into making petty criticisms of fellow crew members. 13 00:01:22,767 --> 00:01:25,201 There is the issue of the salad cream... 14 00:01:25,407 --> 00:01:28,205 - The salad cream? - I spent months training everyone 15 00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:30,437 to put salad cream in the fridge. 16 00:01:30,607 --> 00:01:33,963 Then she arrives and it's back in the cupboard! 17 00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:37,762 The first moon we come to, let's dump her! 18 00:01:41,007 --> 00:01:42,998 And what about the extra laundry? 19 00:01:43,167 --> 00:01:46,523 There are all kinds of extraordinary items turning up - 20 00:01:46,687 --> 00:01:49,281 tights, bras, skimpy vests, little socks. 21 00:01:49,447 --> 00:01:52,041 It's a massive workload. Frank is very upset. 22 00:01:52,207 --> 00:01:55,597 - Frank? - The washing machine. I named him Frank. 23 00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:59,316 And what about the ironing? How do you iron a bra? 24 00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:02,160 You take it off first. I spent years practising. 25 00:02:02,327 --> 00:02:06,286 I'd put my nan's bra around the armchair and unhook it. 26 00:02:06,447 --> 00:02:09,962 Even now, whenever I see a Parker Knoll, I get horny. 27 00:02:11,927 --> 00:02:14,566 But have you ever ironed a bra, sir? 28 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:19,761 The only way I've found is to stretch each container over my head and iron it there. 29 00:02:19,927 --> 00:02:24,318 On a hot cotton setting, it sends my optical systems into leak overload. 30 00:02:24,487 --> 00:02:26,478 - Cup. - Sorry, sir? 31 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:30,925 - Not containers. They're called cups. - See? I even have to learn new terminology, 32 00:02:31,087 --> 00:02:36,081 special female terminology - "cups", "potpourri", "depilatory cream". 33 00:02:36,247 --> 00:02:40,240 - Oh! It's never-ending. - How come you don't know what bras are? 34 00:02:40,407 --> 00:02:44,559 - What about the women on the Nova 5? - When I cleaned my cache files, 35 00:02:44,727 --> 00:02:46,718 I erased my lingerie database. 36 00:02:46,887 --> 00:02:51,802 I'd only need it if you wanted to go to a fancy dress party as Hermann G�ring. 37 00:02:51,967 --> 00:02:53,286 Relax, Kryten. 38 00:02:53,447 --> 00:02:57,235 The scan probe returned the coordinates of the dimensional tear. 39 00:02:57,407 --> 00:03:00,479 This time tomorrow, she'll be back in her own dimension. 40 00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:02,763 Well, you're surely not upset, sir? 41 00:03:02,927 --> 00:03:06,237 - If you've got a problem with her, tell her. - I will! 42 00:03:06,407 --> 00:03:10,002 There's no point whingeing to me about it, say it to her. 43 00:03:10,207 --> 00:03:13,404 - Hi, guys. How's it going? - Morning, ma'am! Sleep well? 44 00:03:14,367 --> 00:03:16,244 - Coward. - Hypocrite. 45 00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:19,318 Not great, actually. 46 00:03:19,487 --> 00:03:23,719 I had this weird dream about a monkey being stretched across a tennis court. 47 00:03:23,887 --> 00:03:26,162 The noise was just unbearable. 48 00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:29,803 Were you practising the guitar again last night? 49 00:03:32,007 --> 00:03:36,125 So, what's for breakfast? Oh, what's this doing in here? 50 00:03:37,727 --> 00:03:40,400 Hold me back! Hold me back! 51 00:03:55,287 --> 00:04:00,441 Don't you see, sir? These deviations from Space Corps drill put our lives in jeopardy. 52 00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:03,201 She was only drying her tights on the radiator! 53 00:04:03,367 --> 00:04:07,599 One day it's drying tights, the next we're spiralling out of control 54 00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:10,122 into the core of a newly-formed sun! 55 00:04:12,207 --> 00:04:14,767 Sorry to interrupt, but we've got problems. 56 00:04:14,967 --> 00:04:17,845 - All the hazard lights are flashing. - All of them? 57 00:04:18,047 --> 00:04:22,199 On this ship, that means anything from "we're under attack", to "lunch is burning". 58 00:04:22,407 --> 00:04:23,806 Either way, it's serious. 59 00:04:24,007 --> 00:04:28,444 Getting a reading. There's something up ahead. 60 00:04:28,607 --> 00:04:31,804 A shiny thing with a long silvery, glimmery thing behind it. 61 00:04:32,007 --> 00:04:34,646 It's a phasing comet, velocity 25,000mps. 62 00:04:34,847 --> 00:04:36,963 - That's what I said! - Kryten? 63 00:04:37,127 --> 00:04:42,201 How can I concentrate on a phasing comet when the salad cream's getting warm? 64 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,602 Heading for tail. Plotting avoidance course. 65 00:04:44,807 --> 00:04:47,275 What's the problem with going through it? 66 00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:50,797 Last time anyone did that, the forces ripped the ship apart, 67 00:04:50,967 --> 00:04:53,435 turning the crew into potato salad. 68 00:04:53,647 --> 00:04:58,323 Is that the firm delicatessen potato salad or the squishy, gooey stuff in tins? 69 00:04:58,527 --> 00:05:02,042 - Tins. - Maybe we should go around. 70 00:05:02,247 --> 00:05:06,684 We'll make it. We're a good crew. We've been through a few things. 71 00:05:06,847 --> 00:05:09,839 Remember the Vidal Beast of Sharmutt 2? 72 00:05:10,047 --> 00:05:15,201 - The one that nearly killed us? - No, the other one! We can make it, OK? 73 00:05:15,407 --> 00:05:19,958 - Do you know what a comet is made of? - Are you suggesting I don't know? 74 00:05:20,127 --> 00:05:23,403 - What? - You want to know what it's made of? 75 00:05:23,567 --> 00:05:25,683 - Yes. - He knows what it's made of. 76 00:05:25,847 --> 00:05:28,236 - What? - Sir, tell her, for goodness sake. 77 00:05:28,407 --> 00:05:30,523 - (MOUTHS) - So what's it made of? 78 00:05:30,687 --> 00:05:35,044 - I see, I see. Gas. Some kind of gas. - Some kind of gas? 79 00:05:35,207 --> 00:05:38,563 Yeah, some gas! Dunno what it's called. Some gassy type of gas. 80 00:05:38,767 --> 00:05:43,841 - It's made of ice. - Exactly. An icy type of gas. An ice gas. 81 00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:49,201 I hate to interrupt, but this thing is gonna hit us in about 45 seconds. 82 00:05:49,407 --> 00:05:54,879 I was only trying to save time so you could get home to your much better Lister. 83 00:05:55,087 --> 00:05:59,000 And I'm trying to prevent us being scattered like cosmic seasoning! 84 00:05:59,207 --> 00:06:01,880 - Here it comes! - That wasn't 45 seconds! 85 00:06:02,087 --> 00:06:05,796 Oh, sorry! I was reading the baked potato timer by mistake! 86 00:06:05,967 --> 00:06:12,315 Will people not leave that here! It makes us look like we don't know what we're doing! 87 00:06:18,647 --> 00:06:22,196 Lateral trimmers not responding! Like wrestling in treacle... 88 00:06:22,407 --> 00:06:25,444 Cat says the trimmers are like wrestling in treacle! 89 00:06:25,647 --> 00:06:30,801 No, I said they were down, then asked if you like wrestling in... Anyway... 90 00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:34,239 - Damage report, Kryten. - Auxiliary modulator's short-circuited. 91 00:06:34,447 --> 00:06:38,838 And the chocolate dispenser's ejected all the snack bars onto the galley floor! 92 00:06:41,887 --> 00:06:47,564 - What's happened to the stabilisers? - Never mind that! Where's the hair mousse? 93 00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:51,157 - Stabilisers unstable. - Nuttyfruit bars sliding about! 94 00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,483 I'm taking over control! 95 00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:56,078 Hey! What did I tell you? 96 00:06:56,247 --> 00:06:59,683 Come to Daddy, baby! I have control. 97 00:06:59,847 --> 00:07:03,157 It's called a free-fall vacuum. We're in between vapour streams. 98 00:07:03,327 --> 00:07:05,682 We can ride it across its tail. 99 00:07:05,887 --> 00:07:07,878 (CRASH) 100 00:07:08,047 --> 00:07:09,480 Or maybe not! 101 00:07:11,607 --> 00:07:14,679 If we don't go back, we'll disintegrate in two minutes! 102 00:07:14,847 --> 00:07:16,838 - Kryten? - That's a little pessimistic, sir. 103 00:07:17,047 --> 00:07:19,197 I'd say more like three! 104 00:07:19,927 --> 00:07:22,725 You know, I think we should turn around. 105 00:07:31,327 --> 00:07:32,840 Phew! 106 00:07:34,207 --> 00:07:36,198 - Go on. Say it. - Say what? 107 00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:40,360 - You know what. Say it. - You really want me to say it? 108 00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:41,926 - Say it. - All right. 109 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:46,717 - My Dave would never endanger our crew. - You had to say it, didn't you? 110 00:07:46,887 --> 00:07:49,765 And stop calling your boyfriend "Dave"? I'm Dave. 111 00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:54,955 He's just an alternative version of me from a parallel dimension. He's the anti-Lister. 112 00:07:55,127 --> 00:07:57,687 Well, whoever he is, I won't see him. 113 00:07:57,847 --> 00:08:01,920 By the time we fix this mess, I'll have missed the linkway! 114 00:08:02,087 --> 00:08:04,920 I could've got through if the thrusters had worked. 115 00:08:05,087 --> 00:08:08,477 According to the syscomp, we're carrying too much weight. 116 00:08:08,647 --> 00:08:11,798 It's Miss Kochanski's laundry. Why will no one listen to me? 117 00:08:12,007 --> 00:08:14,475 Those frilly things are heavier than they look. 118 00:08:14,687 --> 00:08:18,521 Let's look in the hold and see what can be jettisoned. 119 00:08:18,687 --> 00:08:22,726 I'll go. I could do with a breath of musty, fetid air. 120 00:08:22,887 --> 00:08:27,881 Sir, you didn't deliberately damage the ship so that Miss Kochanski had to stay, did you? 121 00:08:28,087 --> 00:08:31,921 No! 'Course not! Look, I'm gonna check out the hold. 122 00:08:32,087 --> 00:08:34,078 Rimmer, man, you coming? 123 00:08:35,647 --> 00:08:36,966 Did I say...? 124 00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:41,557 Why did I call you Rimmer? I called you Rimmer, my God! 125 00:08:41,727 --> 00:08:45,356 Cat! Are you gonna make yourself useful or preen yourself all day? 126 00:08:45,527 --> 00:08:48,325 - You mean I have a choice? - Come on. 127 00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:50,955 I can't believe I called you Rimmer. 128 00:08:56,167 --> 00:08:57,566 Yes? 129 00:08:59,527 --> 00:09:05,124 As you may be with us for some time, ma'am, may I go through some rules of the ship? 130 00:09:05,287 --> 00:09:07,243 - Like what? - Salad cream. 131 00:09:07,407 --> 00:09:10,479 Salad cream belongs in the fridge and not in the cupboard. 132 00:09:10,687 --> 00:09:15,124 Two - pants belong in the pants drawer and socks belong in the socks drawer. 133 00:09:15,287 --> 00:09:20,122 Having discovered a sock in your pants drawer, this obviously needs restating. 134 00:09:20,287 --> 00:09:22,323 Talking of my clothes, 135 00:09:22,487 --> 00:09:26,196 why do my bras come back from the laundry shaped like... like... 136 00:09:27,727 --> 00:09:29,046 ...your head? 137 00:09:29,247 --> 00:09:32,557 - Three - the toilet seat fiasco... - I don't want to hear this! 138 00:09:32,767 --> 00:09:36,726 Mr Lister hasn't said anything, but I can tell he's not happy. 139 00:09:36,887 --> 00:09:41,961 He's not the only one! Do you think I like flying around in a skip with thrusters? 140 00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:44,806 I don't even enjoy breathing on this ship! 141 00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:49,324 And I'm faced with some neurotic droid who's obsessed with my pants drawer! 142 00:09:49,527 --> 00:09:51,757 You mean I'm not alone? 143 00:09:51,927 --> 00:09:54,839 Oh, I see. You mean me. 144 00:09:55,687 --> 00:09:58,042 As long as we understand one another! 145 00:10:00,487 --> 00:10:02,796 God! Welcome to hell. 146 00:10:03,767 --> 00:10:07,760 Look. Rimmer's old shoe trees. He had one for every pair of shoes. 147 00:10:08,927 --> 00:10:13,603 Gave them all names - Monshoetree, Tueshoetree, Wedshoetree. 148 00:10:13,807 --> 00:10:17,686 - What for? - So they all had a day in his shoes. 149 00:10:17,847 --> 00:10:21,078 - What a smeg-head. - He had lots of funny little habits. 150 00:10:21,247 --> 00:10:24,637 - But now I see them for what they were. - Cretinous. 151 00:10:24,847 --> 00:10:30,843 No. Little human foibles that made Rimmer special. He was unique. 152 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,277 Yeah, irritating, awkward and unsightly - 153 00:10:33,447 --> 00:10:36,245 the human equivalent of a visible panty line! 154 00:10:37,287 --> 00:10:40,199 Well, we may as well start somewhere. 155 00:10:41,127 --> 00:10:43,766 - These can go! - You can't throw them out. 156 00:10:43,927 --> 00:10:48,125 They're from when me and Rimmer played golf on Traga 16. We had fun. 157 00:10:48,327 --> 00:10:51,125 You had fun with Rimmer? 158 00:10:52,047 --> 00:10:56,837 I only had room for a nine-hole course, sir. It is a very small planetoid. 159 00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:59,925 Taking into consideration the thinness of atmosphere, sir, 160 00:11:00,087 --> 00:11:03,716 I've made this a 15-mile hole, par three. 161 00:11:06,647 --> 00:11:08,763 Oh, good shot, sir! 162 00:11:09,447 --> 00:11:13,486 (LISTER) Hey, watch this. Watch and weep. 163 00:11:18,287 --> 00:11:21,882 - Oh, smeg! - Ooh, I... I think it's gone into orbit, sir. 164 00:11:25,047 --> 00:11:29,996 Tough luck, Listy. I'll just pot mine and you owe me 50 big ones! 165 00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:35,123 Look at him. In the right boots, he could be marching into Poland. 166 00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:38,198 Hey. 167 00:11:39,207 --> 00:11:42,483 - It's Rimmer's ball. - It must have gone round the planetoid. 168 00:11:42,647 --> 00:11:46,959 Well, no point bothering him about it, Krytie. Let's go. 169 00:11:49,527 --> 00:11:53,440 It must be here somewhere. I've been round the planetoid twice. 170 00:11:55,087 --> 00:11:58,443 No ball, no bet, man. Keep looking. 171 00:11:59,407 --> 00:12:03,195 Memories like that are just too precious to throw away. 172 00:12:05,007 --> 00:12:07,680 Hello there, sir. How's it going? 173 00:12:07,847 --> 00:12:10,566 We're getting nowhere. He won't throw anything away 174 00:12:10,727 --> 00:12:13,560 because it reminds him of good times with Rimmer! 175 00:12:13,727 --> 00:12:18,960 - I must have blinked and missed them. - You don't know what we used to do, 176 00:12:19,127 --> 00:12:21,083 like the locker room game. 177 00:12:21,287 --> 00:12:26,281 We'd open up lockers of dead crew members and keep whatever we found. 178 00:12:26,447 --> 00:12:30,406 I don't trust you, Lister. This game's rigged. You always win. 179 00:12:30,567 --> 00:12:32,762 Last time, you got a gold wristwatch, 180 00:12:32,927 --> 00:12:37,682 and all I got was a box of 100 assorted tampons that glow in the dark. 181 00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:42,325 - Right, well, I'll go first this time. - OK. 182 00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:47,526 - No, you can go first. - OK, I'll have 68. 183 00:12:47,687 --> 00:12:49,200 Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! 184 00:12:49,367 --> 00:12:52,200 - I'll have 68. - Fine. 185 00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:54,801 Uh... No, you can have it. 186 00:12:54,967 --> 00:12:56,366 Why? 187 00:12:56,527 --> 00:13:00,645 You chose that one because you think that I think that you're cheating. 188 00:13:00,807 --> 00:13:03,480 So I'll have it, and it'll be useless. 189 00:13:03,647 --> 00:13:06,798 I'm not falling for that one. You have it. 190 00:13:06,967 --> 00:13:08,958 Too smart for me, man. 191 00:13:11,047 --> 00:13:14,084 Hey, a gold necklace... 192 00:13:14,247 --> 00:13:16,363 a bundle of cash... 193 00:13:16,527 --> 00:13:19,883 and - hey! - A nude wrestling video! 194 00:13:20,047 --> 00:13:24,006 "Baked Bean Bombshells Volume 12". 195 00:13:24,167 --> 00:13:26,920 Right, well, I'll have that one. 196 00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:31,205 - Number 58. - OK. 197 00:13:41,327 --> 00:13:43,318 What the hell was that? 198 00:13:44,567 --> 00:13:46,956 There's a note. 199 00:13:47,167 --> 00:13:50,045 "People who break into lockers deserve everything they get, 200 00:13:50,207 --> 00:13:53,324 "you cheap double-crossing slimeball." 201 00:13:53,527 --> 00:13:55,597 Sounds like they know you. 202 00:13:57,207 --> 00:14:01,439 See what I mean? We had fun. It was great. It was fun. 203 00:14:03,087 --> 00:14:06,796 I'll put the rubber room on standby, sir. 204 00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:19,723 About time, Cat. You're late, man. Where've you been? 205 00:14:20,807 --> 00:14:22,923 Hello, Listy. 206 00:14:23,087 --> 00:14:27,319 Rimmer! Smeggin' hell! What are you doing here? 207 00:14:27,527 --> 00:14:30,678 I got fed up with adventuring. You know what it's like, 208 00:14:30,847 --> 00:14:34,476 you save a couple of civilisations, and it gets a bit... samey. 209 00:14:35,807 --> 00:14:40,403 - I thought I'd find the old team. - It's good to see you. Are you real? 210 00:14:40,607 --> 00:14:43,519 As real as you can get, being a hologram. 211 00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:50,756 - So... where've you been? - Argon 5. 212 00:14:50,927 --> 00:14:53,839 I fought in the Belagosian War. I was decorated... 213 00:14:54,007 --> 00:14:58,922 and used as a Christmas tree in the town square and fed chocolates all winter. 214 00:14:59,127 --> 00:15:00,685 Really? 215 00:15:01,447 --> 00:15:03,039 No, I'm only kidding. 216 00:15:03,247 --> 00:15:05,317 What do you know about kidding? 217 00:15:05,527 --> 00:15:08,439 I just thought it was time I lightened up. 218 00:15:10,127 --> 00:15:12,083 Hey-hey! 219 00:15:13,487 --> 00:15:17,275 Ahem... So, er, what about you? How's it going? 220 00:15:17,487 --> 00:15:22,641 Ah, y'know. Same old Starbug. Same old travelling through space. 221 00:15:25,527 --> 00:15:29,486 I, um... I hear you've got a new crew member? 222 00:15:29,687 --> 00:15:31,678 Yeah, Kochanski. 223 00:15:34,247 --> 00:15:36,238 What's she like? 224 00:15:36,407 --> 00:15:39,126 Oh, she's OK, y'know... 225 00:15:40,087 --> 00:15:42,885 Is she... as good as me? 226 00:15:44,127 --> 00:15:48,200 Well, she's been here a few weeks and hasn't quoted one Space Corps directive. 227 00:15:53,047 --> 00:15:55,356 She's pretty attractive though, isn't she? 228 00:15:55,567 --> 00:15:59,355 Is she? I hadn't noticed. She's the type you don't really notice. 229 00:15:59,527 --> 00:16:03,998 You know when you spill soup on your shirt and you don't notice it? She's like that. 230 00:16:04,207 --> 00:16:08,166 So she's... not as attractive as me, then? 231 00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:12,758 Don't be daft. She couldn't hold a candle to you, man. 232 00:16:12,967 --> 00:16:15,322 - Nah, you're just saying that. - I'm not. 233 00:16:16,327 --> 00:16:19,763 I've, um... I missed you, man. 234 00:16:21,927 --> 00:16:24,236 And I've missed you, too, Listy. 235 00:16:24,407 --> 00:16:27,160 - Oh, Arnold, man. - Dave! 236 00:16:27,327 --> 00:16:30,922 - Don't ever leave us again! - I won't! 237 00:16:31,087 --> 00:16:33,647 - You promise? - Oh, Listy! 238 00:16:33,807 --> 00:16:35,206 Oh, Rimsy! 239 00:16:38,447 --> 00:16:39,926 Yaaaaarrrggh! 240 00:16:40,087 --> 00:16:41,884 No! Get off! Get off! 241 00:16:45,687 --> 00:16:50,477 Oh, it was just a dream. Thank God for that! Just a dream. 242 00:16:58,047 --> 00:17:00,038 (INAUDIBLE) 243 00:17:01,047 --> 00:17:04,960 ...and another thing, she keeps her pants in her sock drawer. 244 00:17:05,127 --> 00:17:08,802 Have you any idea how long that takes to sort out? 245 00:17:08,967 --> 00:17:11,401 You mean, you've seen her pants? 246 00:17:19,167 --> 00:17:24,116 You're right, Kryten, I must be losing it or I'd never dream stuff like that. 247 00:17:24,287 --> 00:17:29,042 Kissing Rimmer? I'd rather go bobbing for apples in a latrine at the Reading Festival! 248 00:17:30,447 --> 00:17:34,281 I'm sure this will help, sir. I'll just insert my hypnotherapy disc. 249 00:17:35,727 --> 00:17:37,797 Now, just relax. 250 00:17:41,567 --> 00:17:44,240 (SHOUTS IN GERMAN) 251 00:17:44,447 --> 00:17:48,042 - What the hell...?! - Sorry, sir. Wrong disk. 252 00:17:48,247 --> 00:17:52,126 That was my German language course. An extract from Hitler's Nuremberg speech. 253 00:17:52,327 --> 00:17:56,923 Hypnotic, but not in the right way. I'll just find the proper one. 254 00:18:04,487 --> 00:18:07,684 - What are you doing here? - Looking for something 255 00:18:07,847 --> 00:18:11,317 to erase the memory of everything I've ever experienced. 256 00:18:11,487 --> 00:18:15,036 A couple of gallons of medicinal alcohol should do it. 257 00:18:15,247 --> 00:18:19,604 Listen, for what it's worth, I'm sorry you missed getting back to Dave... 258 00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:21,280 the hologrammatic hunk. 259 00:18:21,487 --> 00:18:25,196 That's OK. I'm sure you'll have another chance to cock it up. 260 00:18:25,407 --> 00:18:29,798 - I suppose you must be missing him? - Yeah, I am a bit. 261 00:18:30,007 --> 00:18:36,037 I know what it's like to miss someone - the way they talk, the way they laugh... 262 00:18:36,247 --> 00:18:38,363 - I know. - The way their nostrils flare 263 00:18:38,527 --> 00:18:41,963 like two railway tunnels leading into Snot Street Station. 264 00:18:43,167 --> 00:18:45,158 No... you've lost me there. 265 00:18:46,807 --> 00:18:48,798 So you're missing Rimmer? 266 00:18:49,007 --> 00:18:51,726 I dreamed about him, but he was different, 267 00:18:51,887 --> 00:18:55,675 all smiles and jokes and... and stuff. 268 00:18:55,887 --> 00:18:57,957 I thought you guys didn't get on? 269 00:18:58,167 --> 00:19:01,364 We didn't, that's what's so weird. He drove me crazy. 270 00:19:01,527 --> 00:19:04,439 The way he ate his food in alphabetical order, 271 00:19:04,607 --> 00:19:09,681 the way he only used three pieces of toilet paper - one up, one down and one to polish. 272 00:19:09,847 --> 00:19:11,917 - Didn't he have any redeeming features? - No. 273 00:19:12,087 --> 00:19:15,523 Well, yeah - sometimes he went out of the room. 274 00:19:15,727 --> 00:19:18,241 How did Rimmer come to be around, anyway? 275 00:19:18,447 --> 00:19:23,521 Well, Holly brought him back to keep me sane, but he drove me mad! 276 00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:28,118 Now he's gone, maybe you feel guilty because you realise he was helping you. 277 00:19:28,327 --> 00:19:31,717 If he was helping me, why didn't he lighten up a bit? 278 00:19:31,927 --> 00:19:34,725 Maybe he sacrificed his happiness to keep you sane. 279 00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:40,283 But in your dream, he was different, a carefree, fun-loving Rimmer. 280 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:44,440 A Rimmer who didn't nag you into helping him catalogue his cheese collection. 281 00:19:45,807 --> 00:19:49,197 - You're saying I had him all wrong? - It wasn't your fault. 282 00:19:49,367 --> 00:19:52,165 You had to hate him. It kept you going. 283 00:19:52,327 --> 00:19:54,238 I didn't know. 284 00:20:00,247 --> 00:20:02,044 (PARPS) 285 00:20:03,447 --> 00:20:08,282 You know what I should do? I should throw everything away and make a new start. 286 00:20:13,367 --> 00:20:15,756 Ah, sorry, Miss Kochanski, ma'am. 287 00:20:15,967 --> 00:20:18,720 This is the medical bay, for sick people only. 288 00:20:18,887 --> 00:20:22,562 Surely you haven't broken out in a confusingly-filed-pants rash? 289 00:20:22,767 --> 00:20:27,557 Do you know how to extract a warm bottle of salad cream from a mechanoid's rectal cavity? 290 00:20:27,767 --> 00:20:32,443 - No, but I could research it. - I'd start right now if I were you. 291 00:20:34,407 --> 00:20:38,605 - OK, sir, now. Just relax. - It's all right, Kryten. 292 00:20:38,767 --> 00:20:40,883 I talked it through with Kochanski. 293 00:20:41,047 --> 00:20:43,686 - I feel a lot better. - That takes the biscuit. 294 00:20:43,847 --> 00:20:47,362 I turn my back for five minutes and she cures you! 295 00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:51,037 - She was only helping. - It's not the help I mind, 296 00:20:51,207 --> 00:20:53,437 it's the fact that she succeeded. 297 00:20:55,447 --> 00:20:57,438 (PARPS) 298 00:21:00,287 --> 00:21:03,199 OK, guys! I now declare games night officially open. 299 00:21:03,407 --> 00:21:06,638 Kris can have the honour of choosing the first game. 300 00:21:06,847 --> 00:21:11,967 And as you're a bit sensitive, no games that involve dropping trousers and lighting stuff. 301 00:21:12,127 --> 00:21:15,244 That takes care of most of the repertoire! Where's Kryten? 302 00:21:15,407 --> 00:21:19,082 I dunno, he should be here. OK, Kris... name your game. 303 00:21:19,287 --> 00:21:22,324 All right! I choose "The Magic Flute"! 304 00:21:24,607 --> 00:21:27,838 - What's that? Sort of musical chairs? - No, it's an opera. 305 00:21:29,887 --> 00:21:34,324 "The Magic Flute"? OK, we each hum a section of an aria, 306 00:21:34,487 --> 00:21:36,717 and the others guess which character is singing. 307 00:21:36,927 --> 00:21:40,158 - That's a game? - It's more like medieval torture. 308 00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:43,518 No, it's good. You can throw each other off the scent. 309 00:21:43,687 --> 00:21:49,842 Once, my Dave sang "The Birdcatcher's Song" in the German translation. It was hilarious! 310 00:21:50,007 --> 00:21:52,441 - We all totally fell about! - You fell about? 311 00:21:52,647 --> 00:21:55,400 - Yeah! - Were you going through a meteor storm? 312 00:21:57,007 --> 00:22:01,683 So what games do you play? Match the body part to the crew member? 313 00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:03,445 I love that one! 314 00:22:03,647 --> 00:22:08,596 Armpit name that tune? Guess whose botty is sticking through a hole in the curtain? 315 00:22:08,807 --> 00:22:11,958 Shall I add that one to the slate, bud? 316 00:22:12,607 --> 00:22:16,600 Games night is cancelled. If you'll all follow me to the AR suite, 317 00:22:16,767 --> 00:22:19,235 I have something I think might amuse. 318 00:22:28,087 --> 00:22:29,884 (BLEEPING) 319 00:22:30,047 --> 00:22:33,164 I believe this is the answer to your dream, sir. 320 00:22:33,327 --> 00:22:37,161 Something slightly more effective than Miss Kochanski's psychobabble. 321 00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:49,560 It's my museum to Mr Rimmer's memory. 322 00:22:49,727 --> 00:22:53,197 If anyone misses him, they can relive those great moments. 323 00:22:53,367 --> 00:22:56,677 It's all in there - the man, the memories, the personality. 324 00:22:56,847 --> 00:22:59,441 - The ego. - I had to scale that down. 325 00:22:59,607 --> 00:23:04,237 - How did you compile all the exhibits? - I recreated key events from his diaries. 326 00:23:04,407 --> 00:23:08,195 He kept meticulous records of life on board ship. Enjoy! 327 00:23:19,927 --> 00:23:22,487 Welcome to The Rimmer Experience, 328 00:23:22,687 --> 00:23:27,044 a place of wonder, excitement and... wonder. 329 00:23:27,247 --> 00:23:29,920 You are about to witness some heroic events 330 00:23:30,087 --> 00:23:33,762 which you may find impossible to attribute to any living person, 331 00:23:33,927 --> 00:23:37,920 but Arnold J Rimmer was a deeply remarkable man. 332 00:23:41,167 --> 00:23:43,965 Being the driving force behind the Red Dwarf mission, 333 00:23:44,127 --> 00:23:47,563 the fearless Rimmer diced with death on a daily basis. 334 00:23:47,727 --> 00:23:49,206 What? 335 00:23:49,407 --> 00:23:53,719 It needed a strong mind and cool nerves to hold the crew together. 336 00:23:56,527 --> 00:23:58,597 Asteroid belt up ahead, sir. 337 00:23:58,807 --> 00:24:01,605 No, it isn't, Kryten, you thick titanium plank. 338 00:24:01,767 --> 00:24:06,158 Those are broken fragments of a dying star compressed together under enormous pressure, 339 00:24:06,327 --> 00:24:08,557 causing them to compress into large fragments. 340 00:24:08,767 --> 00:24:12,965 You're right, sir... as usual. Such an elementary mistake... as usualI 341 00:24:13,167 --> 00:24:17,080 - At times like these, I get really scaredI - Me tooI 342 00:24:18,807 --> 00:24:21,480 Somebody save us before I wet me keksI 343 00:24:21,687 --> 00:24:24,155 That never happened! I swear that never happened! 344 00:24:26,527 --> 00:24:29,041 - I feel sick! - It is a bit bumpy. 345 00:24:29,207 --> 00:24:31,675 It's what I'm seeing that's making me sick! 346 00:24:32,567 --> 00:24:36,480 See, Cat? If you wear the green paisley shirt with twill trousers, 347 00:24:36,647 --> 00:24:39,366 you can be dignified and fashionable. 348 00:24:40,247 --> 00:24:42,807 Let me at him! I'm gonna kill him! 349 00:24:42,967 --> 00:24:46,198 Twill? What does he think I am? A woodwork teacher? 350 00:24:47,127 --> 00:24:50,881 Say, Rimmer's a great guy. What would we do without him? 351 00:24:51,047 --> 00:24:53,197 I owe my life to himI 352 00:24:53,407 --> 00:24:56,797 - Get me out of here! - Wait. Here comes the best bit. 353 00:24:59,767 --> 00:25:01,086 (MUSIC STARTS) 354 00:25:01,367 --> 00:25:04,404 355 00:25:04,607 --> 00:25:07,599 356 00:25:07,767 --> 00:25:11,123 357 00:25:11,287 --> 00:25:14,597 358 00:25:14,767 --> 00:25:18,077 359 00:25:18,247 --> 00:25:21,523 360 00:25:21,687 --> 00:25:25,157 361 00:25:25,367 --> 00:25:28,643 362 00:25:28,807 --> 00:25:32,004 363 00:25:32,167 --> 00:25:35,523 364 00:25:35,687 --> 00:25:39,123 365 00:25:39,767 --> 00:25:42,759 366 00:25:42,967 --> 00:25:46,004 367 00:25:46,167 --> 00:25:49,796 368 00:25:50,007 --> 00:25:53,158 369 00:25:53,327 --> 00:25:56,603 370 00:25:56,767 --> 00:25:59,600 371 00:25:59,767 --> 00:26:03,965 for dinner... 372 00:26:09,447 --> 00:26:12,598 I never wanna see or hear from that scum-sucking, lying, 373 00:26:12,767 --> 00:26:15,884 weasel-minded smegger in my entire life! 374 00:26:16,087 --> 00:26:18,647 Sigmund Freud, eat your heart out! 375 00:26:21,767 --> 00:26:24,565 there's no kind of atmosphere 376 00:26:24,727 --> 00:26:28,003 377 00:26:28,167 --> 00:26:31,318 378 00:26:31,487 --> 00:26:34,126 379 00:26:34,287 --> 00:26:37,916 380 00:26:38,087 --> 00:26:41,363 381 00:26:41,527 --> 00:26:44,644 382 00:26:44,807 --> 00:26:48,004 383 00:26:48,167 --> 00:26:50,761 384 00:26:50,927 --> 00:26:54,556 385 00:26:54,727 --> 00:26:57,525 386 00:26:57,687 --> 00:27:01,839